I feel awful.
Is this a new feeling? No.
It is a feeling I have been harboring ever since I found out the Bar results.
Has it gotten better, you would think it would... But no, if anything it has gotten worse. It seems to grow worse day by day. I have some "good" days, but mostly they are bad.
I have tried to find work, a job, any job.
I have been turned away for jobs that I was more than qualified for. Today just that happened.
I was at the gym for yoga and when I got out of class there was the message in my voicemail, "we have decided to accept another applicant and will not be hiring you... we will keep your information on file..."
Why do people even say that? As if keeping my application, which you will most likely just end up never looking at again, and then tossing it, "on file" is supposed to make everything better.
Well, guess what, it doesn't. But I guess if it makes it easier for you to sleep at night, then more power to you.
Me on the other hand, I don't sleep. At least not well. It's been months since I've had a good nights' rest.
And everyone keeps saying it will get better, this is just God's plan, etc. And while I really TRULY want to believe them, I also just want to tell them to SHUT UP.
Why did I spend 100s of thousands of dollars on higher education to not even be eligible for a minimum wage position? Is this what God planned for me? To not even be barely making it by?
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and I want to believe that things will get better... but it is SO HARD.
Now I guess all I can do is keep trying to find work. However, my luck, things will turn around and I will find a job just when I need to get fully involved with studying again for Bar attempt #2.