Wednesday, October 26, 2011

And the self-loathing just continues...

I feel awful.

Is this a new feeling? No.

It is a feeling I have been harboring ever since I found out the Bar results.

Has it gotten better, you would think it would... But no, if anything it has gotten worse. It seems to grow worse day by day. I have some "good" days, but mostly they are bad.

I have tried to find work, a job, any job.

I have been turned away for jobs that I was more than qualified for. Today just that happened.

I was at the gym for yoga and when I got out of class there was the message in my voicemail, "we have decided to accept another applicant and will not be hiring you... we will keep your information on file..."

Why do people even say that? As if keeping my application, which you will most likely just end up never looking at again, and then tossing it, "on file" is supposed to make everything better.

Well, guess what, it doesn't. But I guess if it makes it easier for you to sleep at night, then more power to you.

Me on the other hand, I don't sleep. At least not well. It's been months since I've had a good nights' rest.

And everyone keeps saying it will get better, this is just God's plan, etc. And while I really TRULY want to believe them, I also just want to tell them to SHUT UP.

Why did I spend 100s of thousands of dollars on higher education to not even be eligible for a minimum wage position? Is this what God planned for me? To not even be barely making it by?

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and I want to believe that things will get better... but it is SO HARD.

Now I guess all I can do is keep trying to find work. However, my luck, things will turn around and I will find a job just when I need to get fully involved with studying again for Bar attempt #2.


  1. There is a plan.

    And maybe I should shutup.

    But, to me, I have to believe there is. I honestly have no idea what the plan is - and why (oh why) it has to be this $%#! hard right now - but there IS a plan. When I found out I didn't pass with everyone else I fell into a DEEP depression. As you know, my blog hasn't exactly been a ray of sunshine. But the other night I thought about it a lot. And I watched my wedding video. Ha. Which sounds so cheesy. But seriously. I watched it to remind myself of two things.

    First, my husband is awesome. And we are awesome together. And the Bar can never take that away from me.

    Second, when I was watching the cheesy slideshows of us growing up something amazing hit me in a wave. I have not experienced all of the best moments of my life yet. If I gave up right now and threw in the towel I would miss it all. I am going to be an awesome (LICENSED!) attorney with the picket fence and the 2.5 kids. And you know what? I will have an incredible amount of appreciation for it all - that, just maybe, I would not have had if I had passed easily.

    I guess what I'm saying is that you have a fiance. A parrot (which is badass, by the way). You have an entire life. A life that does not revolve around this stupid hazing ritual of a test. Maybe the lesson in all of this (for both of us!) is to have a deep empathy for how hard success can sometimes be. I get pissed off when people tell me "oh well some people have it so much worse" because I always want to scream, "oh yeah? well some people have it so much better!" But this experience has taught me that true empathy - and true compassion - comes from experience.

    After you pass this thing, maybe you're going to be a hiring partner in a firm one day and you'll get to interview a scared shitless associate who has to tell you that they failed the bar. And you can take a chance on that person and give them the validation that they so desperately need. Maybe these jobs that aren't working out are falling through because the Universe knows there's something better just around the corner.

    When it comes right down to it, we're all just a couple phone calls away from the life we want. And somehow knowing that makes it so much easier.

    You are NOT alone in this. At all. And you spent 100s of thousands of dollars on an education because you are determined to make a difference in this profession. And you WILL.

    I'm going to stop rambling (swearsies) - but, before I go, I give you some great inspiration from Tom Hanks in the classic film "A League of Their Own" (ha!):

    "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

  2. I wish I could give you a hug :-/