Wherein I apologize for not posting anything substantive, only to post something unsubstantive...

I have sure been MIA with any substantive posts lately, and for that I am sorry. For those of you who still read my blog, which I think is like 2 of you (if I'm even that lucky) unfortunately this post isn't going to be really substantive either.

It's not that I don't have things to blog about. I have tons of things!

Various experiences during my work for Kenneth Cole, which is now complete, different thoughts and rants regarding Bar study, exercise (or my lack thereof) rants, just to name a few. I am just popping in to say that I am still here.

I am sorry I haven't been keeping up with many of you lately, I am so behind in reader, but I am trying to get through chunks at a time and at least starring the posts that I will comment on, eventually.

The Bar is this upcoming Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I will be gone camping from Friday through Monday. All of this being said I am hoping to be back with more substantive posts after all of this madness is over.

 Please keep me in your thoughts as I review over the next couple days and especially as I take the exam on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Hopefully this is the last time I take this thing! I am so ready to be done!

Y is for... Yesterday

Yesterday. The day that I had waited for. The day the Bar results would be posted. 

Yesterday. The day that was the worst day of my life. 

Yesterday. The day that I found out I failed. AGAIN. 

Yesterday. The day that all of my friends who took the Bar for the second time with me passed. 

Yesterday. The day that I found out that I truly am alone. 

Yesterday. 

**This post is for the April A to Z Challenge!

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You STRONGER

Seems to be my theme song this past week. I cannot even begin to explain the numerous BOMBS that have been dropped on me this week. Apparently everyone who knows me also have impecable timing with telling me these things RIGHT BEFORE my Bar.

The bad feelings are coming again...

Well... I am getting everything organized for Bar Exam Attempt 2 study time... and let me just say, I am starting to feel bad all over again. I just worry that I won't be able to do it. I feel like I am just destined for failure. I know I need to think positive, but it is SOOOOO hard.

And the self-loathing just continues...

I feel awful.

Is this a new feeling? No.

It is a feeling I have been harboring ever since I found out the Bar results.

Has it gotten better, you would think it would... But no, if anything it has gotten worse. It seems to grow worse day by day. I have some "good" days, but mostly they are bad.

I have tried to find work, a job, any job.

I have been turned away for jobs that I was more than qualified for. Today just that happened.

I was at the gym for yoga and when I got out of class there was the message in my voicemail, "we have decided to accept another applicant and will not be hiring you... we will keep your information on file..."

Why do people even say that? As if keeping my application, which you will most likely just end up never looking at again, and then tossing it, "on file" is supposed to make everything better.

Well, guess what, it doesn't. But I guess if it makes it easier for you to sleep at night, then more power to you.

Me on the other hand, I don't sleep. At least not well. It's been months since I've had a good nights' rest.

And everyone keeps saying it will get better, this is just God's plan, etc. And while I really TRULY want to believe them, I also just want to tell them to SHUT UP.

Why did I spend 100s of thousands of dollars on higher education to not even be eligible for a minimum wage position? Is this what God planned for me? To not even be barely making it by?

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and I want to believe that things will get better... but it is SO HARD.

Now I guess all I can do is keep trying to find work. However, my luck, things will turn around and I will find a job just when I need to get fully involved with studying again for Bar attempt #2.

Almost 4 weeks after the Bar results were posted...

**Here is a copy of a conversation I recently had with a friend of mine who also didn't pass the July Bar**

Friend: It's hard not to feel like everyone is judging us. I feel like everyone just decided I won't be anything but a second rate lawyer now...

Me: It's dumb because how I do on MBE is no reflection on how I will practice law. I don't think I will be second rate once I pass. The only reason I didn't pass was the MBE. Everything else had high scores.

Me: Failure of multiple choice questions does not make me second rate. And people who may have just lucked into the right answers aren't automatically better than me.

Me: I know plenty of people who passed whom will not make good attorneys.

Me: When I pass, which I will, because I won't give up, I will work my ass off to show that this is what I am meant to do

Friend: Yeah... me too. I got high scores on everything but MBEs too... and failed by 1 percent... but I feel like such a loser

Friend: I'm kind of feeling self-loathing right now... like everyone in my life (besides ****) was right... I'm nothing and it finally caught up to me

Friend: You have a winner's perspective! That will make you the great lawyer!

Me: I've just spent too much time feeling bad and worthless. But this test does not determine the kind of lawyer I will be. Maybe if it was actually relevant to what we will do in practice... But its not... At all.

Me: It's an outdated and pedantic way of testing us. It's what they have always done and the people in charge want to make everyone else go through what they did way back in the day, even if it's not the best way. It's like law school and the curve

Friend: You are right. It really doesn't... I know that too

Friend: I feel I will do a good job too... much better than some of the people who (shockingly) did pass! Tee-hee!

Me: It's just annoying that a stupid multiple choice portion is keeping me from accomplishing my goals. I think that's what I'm most upset about

Me: I don't like to say I failed, because I don't think I'm a failure. I didn't pass. And that's what I said

Me: I know that I know the law. I know that I know it well and know how to apply it. The fact that I can't figure out trick questions hinging on one or two words does NOT make me a failure

Friend: I concur counselor! :)

It's been 2 weeks...

Is that all?

Two weeks since Bar results were posted...

Two weeks of depression...

Two weeks of putting on a tough front and trying to appear "busy" and "ok"

I can't sleep good anymore. Not like I really did before. But still.

I never realized how exhausting it could be to keep up a wall and pretend to be okay. I want to punch holes in a wall at least 15 times a day. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to shake people who brag about job offers and getting "sworn in".

People who are my friends.

I HATE feeling so spiteful.

I have never been this way.

Lost.

I still feel like I am in a fog... an "I didn't pass the Bar" fog. While I'm trying to be upbeat and positive, I just feel completely out of sorts.